The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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