I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
