I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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