Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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