Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Randomize
