trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
i used baking grease as lip gloss
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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