How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
he was CRYING into my vagina
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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