i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Damn victory sex feels great
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
