Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
