It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
