Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
You can't just leave with hair like that
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
i out mim tonsoeep
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
