Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
