I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
