My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
