Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
