the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
