Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Randomize
