Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
