I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I forgot wine drunk hurts
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
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