I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Randomize
