smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
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