Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
