why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
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