i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
My bed smells like the plague
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