i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
stop calling my apartment porn island.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
