First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Randomize
