I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
