i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
