my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
we're making bets on your personal life
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
