My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
