I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Randomize
