The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
