why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
