I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Randomize
