Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I have tasted many bathrooms
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
