i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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