I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
