1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Too much gin, very little bucket
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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