Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
