u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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