he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
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