I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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