in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
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