im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
