It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I don't want my vagina anymore.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Randomize
