you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
