If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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