Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
