im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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