quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
