oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Randomize
